How To Navigate Dating A Roster
Your situationship isn't really cutting it anymore, and you're about to resign yourself to a lifetime of singlehood. Relax and don't delete your dating apps just yet because there's a different strategy that might help you find your perfect match: roster dating. Rosters, also known as rotational dating, keep you from putting all your eggs in one basket and facing disappointment when the crush you singled out turns out to not be "the one."
Relationship expert and advice columnist April Masini explained the concept to Refinery29: "Rotations allow you to date other people at the same time, giving you perspective on the dating process." Serial monogamy, on the other hand, limits your options and encourages quick commitment — even if you and the other person aren't really compatible.
Note that rosters aren't meant to be a long-term solution to your dating struggles. Rather, your roster of potential partners lasts until you narrow down your options to the one person you're most interested in pursuing a relationship with — and who reciprocates those feelings back. In short, you'll know your roster did its job when you no longer need it.
How to make a roster work
If dating multiple people sounds like a hassle, know that your roster doesn't have to be the size of a basketball team. In fact, many experts suggest limiting your rotational dates to just a few people. Therapist and dating coach Sara Tick told Insider that three to five potential partners is a good range, while dating coach Angela S. Holcomb prefers no more than three. "A lot of the players will eliminate themselves, so it's best to keep it rotating and keep it a firm three," she explained to HuffPost. "This will leave room for when someone acts up or ghosts or you feel inclined to eliminate them."
So how do you know if someone is worth a spot in your roster? One method is to sample different types of partners who bring unique strengths to the table. You might have one person who's the life of the party, one who's disciplined and focused on family, and another who you love getting into witty banter with. This strategy allows you to date outside your type and find out which qualities matter most to you.
Dating and relationship coach Sami Wunder also recommended going on "connection dates" to Brit + Co. Essentially, connection dates are opportunities to get to know a match and decide if they're worth keeping in rotation. Wunder suggested leaving sexual intimacy out of the picture in the beginning and instead focusing on emotional and intellectual compatibility.
Pitfalls to avoid when roster dating
Keeping a romantic roster of options can be empowering and illuminating, but it's important to be aware of pitfalls. One way that roster dating can backfire is if it becomes a stand-in for real, meaningful relationships. A women's dating coach known as @lifecoachshawn on TikTok posed a question in a video to heterosexual women with rosters: "What exactly does it take for a man to qualify for that roster?" She concluded the clip by saying, "Why are we holding onto men just for the sake of holding onto men?" Put another way, if your options are unfulfilling yet you keep going on dead-end dates, it might be time to dump your roster for new matches. Or, if you're seeing someone in your lineup who checks all your boxes, take the leap and start talking about exclusivity.
When it's time to let go of someone in your roster, do so respectfully — just because you're seeing multiple people doesn't give you a ghosting hall pass. As Sara Tick told Insider, it's best to be honest and gently let the other person know you two don't click. "It's always kinder to end things as opposed to letting them drag on when you're just not as into it," she added.
Finally, if you notice you're feeling overwhelmed or can't keep track of which date plays soccer and which is a vegetarian, consider taking a time-out. Rosters are meant to simplify dating, not make it more stressful.