How To Separate Boundaries & Ultimatums In Relationships, According To Our Therapist
There are over 2 million posts with the #boundaries tag on Instagram and 3.5 billion views for the term on TikTok. Along with other examples of "therapy speak," the topic of boundaries has entered our everyday lexicon, reminding us that "no" is a complete sentence and that it's okay to speak up when something doesn't sit right with us. Despite the buzz about boundaries, however, they can sometimes get mixed up with ultimatums. Glam reached out to Dr. Courtney Tracy, licensed therapist and founder of The Truth Doctor, to clear up the confusion.
As Dr. Tracy shared with us exclusively, "The real difference between an ultimatum and a boundary in relationships is that boundaries are often about self-care and promote healthy interaction, while ultimatums can create power struggles and come off as controlling. An ultimatum is a demand that puts pressure on the other person to meet specific conditions (or face the consequences.) A boundary is a statement of personal limits to protect your own wellbeing and, often, your safety." So, how can you separate the two in your own life? Dr. Tracy explains how to set boundaries that keep you and your relationships healthy and thriving — and when ultimatums might actually make sense.
Boundaries are about needs, not control
Healthy relationship boundaries communicate an explicit request and a reasonable consequence if the boundary is crossed (via HelpGuide.org). This sounds very similar to ultimatums, but according to Dr. Courtney Tracy, the two have very different motives. "My best tip for separating ultimatums and boundaries when speaking with one's partner is to, first, be clear and honest with yourself about whether or not you're actually expressing your own needs and wants, or if you're just attempting to control your partner's behavior," Dr. Tracy said. "Is the need or want something you are actively trying to achieve on your own as well or is this something you're just putting on your partner? If you're not willing to put in the work, then how strong is the boundary to begin with (and what values actually lie behind it)? In cases where the onus is solely on the partner, it's likely just an ultimatum (even if they call it a boundary.)"
An example of a boundary in romantic relationships could be saying no to partners who won't commit to monogamy. You may decide you won't stay with someone who isn't faithful or who pursues other partners while still with you. This may come from a need for respect, emotional intimacy (rather than purely physical intimacy), and trust. However, threatening to break up can be an ultimatum if you yourself struggle to commit or don't make a personal effort to uphold the terms of the relationship.
Are ultimatums ever okay?
In general, boundaries that focus on mutual responsibility and prioritize self-care are better for building relationships than manipulative ultimatums. But ultimatums aren't a total no-go, explained Dr. Courtney Tracy. "As much as ultimatums seem inherently harmful, they can also be positive and useful," she revealed. "We shouldn't rid ourselves of ultimatums forever. While boundaries may appear more leveled and healthy, ultimatums work well for certain people and in certain situations."
Still, knowing that not every issue warrants an ultimatum is crucial. Dr. Tracy said that ultimatums — which often sound like "If you do or don't do what I ask, I'll respond by ..." — could be necessary for "'last resort' situations" when you or the other person is in danger, whether that danger is physical or emotional. Moreover, you may need to employ an ultimatum if the other person repeatedly hurts or betrays you and has failed to respect your boundaries in the past. "However, when using ultimatums, be sure you're coming from a place of genuine concern and not just a desire to control," Dr. Tracy noted. If you fail to get through to your loved one with both boundaries and stronger ultimatums, you might be better off stepping away from the situation to protect yourself and avoid getting caught in a toxic relationship.